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Coherent Paragraphs: in Context

Below are 2 paragraphs that have coherence problems.  The paragraphs are unified, and they have enough development, but the connections between the ideas is not clear, either because of logic problems or inadequate language to connect the ideas. Use the techniques discussed in this module to improve the coherence of the paragraphs; then, compare your results to our corrected versions. You may make changes to the paragraph directly in the text box, or copy the text and paste it into a word processor for editing.

Example Paragraph 1:

Hawaii is the perfect example of a commercialized tourist destination.  In the old days, people traveled to relax on the beach and explore. People travel to spend thousands of dollars on amusements these days. One walks down the street and sees tourist agencies offering “the chance” to parasail, rent jet skies or Harley Davidson motorcycles. Signs advertise special deals on snorkeling, biking and swimming with dolphins. Packaged activities are sold on every corner.  Tourists think that by filling their days with activities they will experience Hawaii in a real way. This will bring them no closer to the real Hawaii than ice-skating. The true essence of Hawaii is really only found when one enjoys it for what it is. Hiking, exploring and enjoying the serene landscape are ways to enjoy Hawaii.

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Example Paragraph 2:

Many movies have taken place in San Francisco from Vertigo to The Rock, and they all paint the same picture.  When people see San Francisco, they see cable cars, steep hills covered with Victorian row houses, and the Golden Gate Bridge. San Francisco is far from this. When travelers from other parts of the country come to check out the city, this is the first thing that shocks them. “God its cold here” is their first exclamation. The tourist's path in San Francisco takes them to see the Cable Cars, Alcatraz, Nob Hill, Pier 39 and Fisherman's Wharf. They are surprised, even though they may have been prepared to visit Chinatown, by the diversity of San Francisco. This is visible in Union Square, on Castro Street, and at a Giants game.  There is a vibrant Latino culture.  The Asian population is very diverse.  There is an African-American community, an Italian-American community, and many other communities too numerous to name.  All of these communities contribute to San Francisco's unique character.  The food is a point of pride in San Francisco. San Francisco rivals New York, Los Angeles, and Chicago in great cuisine. The parks are large and numerous for such a small city, with Golden Gate Park painting a large rectangular swath through the city. It is difficult to escape the San Francisco icons, so SF is likely to continue to surprise tourists with its lesser known defining characteristics.

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